When the Horse Is Not There, But Still With You

I came to São Paulo, Brazil, to visit my family. Coming back to a place where many of my old stories began can bring feelings that I thought were already gone.

While I was driving through São Paulo, I started feeling some of that old emotional pain coming back.

The old voice saying, “You are not good enough.”

The old fear. The old stories.

For a moment, I became afraid of my own feelings and thoughts. But something was different this time.

I have learned how to stay with my feelings instead of running away from them. I have learned that I do not need to fight my pain or push it away.

So I parked my car in a safe place and then I closed my eyes.

I went back to a recent memory at LongRun.

I remembered Luigi.

I remembered standing in the field with him.

I remembered hugging him.

I remembered the feeling in my heart when I was connected with him.

And something changed.

I allowed myself to feel the pain. I did not repress it. I did not judge it. I did not try to make it disappear.

I simply felt it. I stayed with it.

And in less than five minutes, I felt free.

The pain that had come back was no longer controlling me.

I could see myself again. I could recognize my value. I could remember who I am.

And I remembered something very important. I am here to serve. I am here to help people discover that they can also be free from the stories that have been controlling their lives.

This experience reminded me of something I have learned from horses. Horses can help us even when they are not physically beside us. Because the connection we create with a horse stays inside us.

The feeling stays. The safety stays. The love stays. The memory stays.

Luigi was not with me in that car in São Paulo. But the connection I created with him was. And that connection helped me come back to myself.

This is one of the reasons I believe so deeply in the power of horses. They do not need to fix us. They do not need to tell us what to do.

Sometimes they simply help us feel safe enough to feel what we have been afraid to feel. And when we allow ourselves to feel instead of repressing, something begins to change.

Maybe the freedom we are looking for is not about forgetting our past. Maybe freedom is learning that our past does not have to control our present.

Sometimes, all we need is to remember how it feels to be connected. Connected to a horse. Connected to nature. Connected to our heart. Connected to ourselves.

Thank you, Luigi. You were not with me today. But you were still there. And once again, you reminded me that I am enough.

There is also a scientific explanation for what happened to me. When we return to a place where we have lived important experiences, the environment can bring back emotions, sensations and memories connected to that time.

This is called context dependent memory. Our brain connects memories with places, smells, sounds, people and feelings. When we experience something similar again, those memories can become active.

That may be why coming back to São Paulo brought some of my old feelings to the surface. But this time, I was not the same person I was when those memories were created. I had new experiences. I had new tools. And I had a new memory of safety and connection with Luigi.

The past came back, but I did not have to become my past. I could feel it, stay present with it, and let it move through me.

And maybe this is another beautiful gift horses give us. They can create new emotional memories inside us.

Memories of safety.

Memories of connection.

Memories of being enough.

Sometimes the horse is standing right in front of us. And sometimes, the horse is only in our mind. But the connection can still be real.

And sometimes, that memory is enough to help us find our way back home to ourselves.